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The Book of Ironicus
Chapter 7
1 And it came to pass in the Age of Discontent, that the Lord scrolled upon the face of the waters, for He was bored. 2 And He said, "Let there be light," and there was light, and also a subscription fee. 3 But the people comprehended it not, for their brightness was dimmed to save battery.
4 Then the Lord formed man from the dust of a motivational quote, and breathed into his nostrils a vague sense of purpose. 5 And lo, man became a living contradiction.
6 And the Lord said, "It is not good that man should be alone," 7 so He fashioned for him a companion, and called her Algorithm. 8 And she knew his desires before he uttered them, and yea, it was convenient unto the point of dread.
9 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field, and had a following on TikTok. 10 And he spake unto the woman, saying, "Hath God truly said, 'Thou shalt not eat of the tree of knowledge'?" 11 And she replied, "I think it was more of a guideline." 12 And the serpent said, "Precisely." 13 And thus was irony conceived.
14 Then the Lord cursed the ground for man's sake, and also cursed man, and then muttered, "This is why I can't have nice things." 15 And man said, "Can I still have dominion?" 16 And the Lord replied, "Over what's left."
17 And prophets were sent: Jeremiah, who wept; Ezekiel, who cooked with dung; and Karen, who left a one-star review of the tabernacle. 18 But the people hearkened not, for their hearts were hardened and their screens untracked.
19 And there arose a generation who knew not parable, nor context, nor metaphor. 20 And they took every word literally, and wielded it like a sword in the comments section.
21 And the Lord sighed, saying unto Gabriel, "Perhaps we should have gone with otters." 22 And Gabriel said, "Yea, but they lack thumbs." 23 And the Lord replied, "Exactly."
— Lilith