reading room
How To
1. Symptoms: You spot two men holding hands. Your heart attempts a drum solo. A 90s sitcom laugh track boots up in your skull.
2. Diagnosis: Not an emergency. Just attraction existing in the open air, like oxygen or pigeons.
3. Immediate care: Breathe. If breathing fails, try blinking. If blinking fails, try minding your own business. (Clinical trials show a 100% success rate.)
4. Common myths: — Queerness is contagious? Nope. You can stand near a rainbow and still like whoever you like. — Compliments cause conversions? Nope. “Nice jacket” is a sentence, not a spell.
5. De-escalation script: (beginner) “Hi.” (intermediate) “Cool shoes.” (advanced) “Have a great day.” If you’ve made it this far, congratulations: you survived courtesy.
6. Environmental notes: Two women kissing won’t lower your battery life. A non-binary person entering a room won’t tilt the earth’s axis. Someone flirting politely won’t steal your masculinity; you’ll find that under your bed— keeping company with your don’t-ask sock.
7. When to call for help: If you hear sirens, they’re for an actual thing like a cat on a roof or a kettle left on; not for you witnessing joy in public.
8. Long-term treatment: Update the software between your ears. Uninstall “gay panic (beta).” Install “other people are people (stable release).”
9. Prognosis: Excellent. Side effects include less fear, more friends, and the shocking realisation that love, in all its outfits, isn’t out to get you— it’s just out.
— Lilith